In some strange way of “tough love”, I try to make simple things difficult for myself. This could range from something as silly as not using a heater in peak winter (it’ll make me used to the cold) to driving a car that has no air conditioner or power steering in summer (it’s so much fun though). There’s no reason for me to do these things, but at some strange level, I do them because I feel good that I’m preparing myself for some terribly eventuality and I “should” be prepared.

I realised though, that there are a number of hard things already going on. Transitioning from a long drawn career and jumping into a completely new one, changing cities, a long term relationship coming to an end & working on a new identity for myself are big enough shocks for my nervous system. I don’t need to go harder on myself & deny myself simple comforts. This is a strange time for me because while trying to go easy on myself, my lizard brain keeps trying to reach out and guilt me into feeling that I’m being weak. What I consider shows of weakness and strength are a whole other topic which I’ll leave for another day, but there’s a push & pull which is hard to navigate.

For the moment though, I’m trying. Using the heater, watching some mindless junk on TV occasionally & staying in bed a little longer than I “should”. Let’s hope the summer is easier this year.